


Swords are an effective method of cutting through pumpkins.

by TreasonousToaster



Series: Jane Crocker's Online Kitchen [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Cooking, Cooking, Cooking Lessons, Dialoglogs (Homestuck), Dialogue-Only, Implied Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam - Freeform, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Post-Sburb/Sgrub, maybe slightly ooc sorry, strilondes cant cook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 16:28:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30041508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TreasonousToaster/pseuds/TreasonousToaster
Summary: Dirk and Rose are literally the worst at cooking. Jane tries to fix that. It doesn't go very well.
Relationships: Jane Crocker & Dirk Strider, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Rose Lalonde & Dirk Strider
Series: Jane Crocker's Online Kitchen [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2121582
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Swords are an effective method of cutting through pumpkins.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if this is a little out of character im trying to branch out more and write more characters i dont have as much of a grasp on  
> this was fun to do! even if im still learning how to write all three of them

JANE: Hello, hello!  
DIRK: Hey, come in.  
ROSE: Hello, Jane. Thank you for coming out here to teach us.  
JANE: Yes, yes of course. You need it.  
DIRK: Ouch, Crocker.  
JANE: No, no!  
JANE: Not to be rude, but you two are the worst at cooking out of all of us.  
ROSE: I get it from him.  
DIRK: Wow, I-  
DIRK: Yeah. That’s fair.  
JANE: Yes, well, that doesn’t change the fact that neither of you are um… How to put this nicely, you're not very…  
DIRK: We suck.  
JANE: Yes! I mean no, you’re just not very good.  
DIRK: Thanks, Jane.  
ROSE: Well, that is why we’re here, is it not?  
JANE: Yes, of course.  
DIRK: Right, what are we making, teach?  
JANE: Pumpkin soup!  
DIRK: That’s a thing?  
JANE: Yes?  
DIRK: Okay.  
ROSE: Alright, and how do we start this?  
JANE: Well, I brought all the ingredients we need so you don’t have to worry about that. There’s enough for all three of us so I can show you what to do but you can still make your own.  
DIRK: Because you don’t want to eat anything we make.  
JANE: Well… I…  
ROSE: I suppose that’s understandable. Kanaya has refused to eat my cooking on more than one occasion.  
DIRK: Dang.  
ROSE: Yes. Dang, indeed.  
JANE: Right, well we’re going to fix that today.  
DIRK: Maybe.  
JANE: Yes, maybe.  
JANE: Let’s be optimistic!  
DIRK: Mmh yeah, optimism isn’t really my forte.  
JANE: Yes, we know, Dirk. But that’s okay we’re just going to be optimistic for a few hours. You can handle that, surely?  
DIRK: Sure.  
JANE: Perfect.  
JANE: Right, set some water boiling in a pan. We’re going to need it later.  
JANE:  
JANE: Great. Alright pick your pumpkins and get a knife, we need to cut them open into quarters first.  
JANE: …  
JANE: Rose.  
ROSE: Yes?  
JANE: That’s a butter knife. You’re going to need a bigger one.  
ROSE: Like Dirk’s?  
JANE: Dirk!! No! We don’t use swords to cut food!  
DIRK: I washed it first.  
JANE: That's not the point, Dirk! We use knives to cut food, not swords!  
DIRK: I mean I already did it and it turned out fine.  
JANE: Sigh.  
JANE: Fine just don’t do it again.  
DIRK: Sure.  
JANE: Thank you.  
DIRK: Rose, want me to cut your pumpkin for you?  
ROSE: Yes, please do.  
DIRK: Great.  
JANE: Dirk!  
ROSE: Thank you.  
JANE: What did I just tell you about cutting food with swords?  
DIRK: Whoops. My hand slipped.  
JANE: …  
DIRK: Okay, sorry. Won’t happen again.  
JANE: Alright, good.  
JANE: …  
JANE: Well, now I have to cut my pumpkin so you’re just going to have to wait a while.  
DIRK: Or you could just let me cut it.  
JANE: No. Thank you Dirk, but that’s not how I do things.  
DIRK: Okay, suit yourself.  
JANE: Now, that didn’t take long, see? Okay, you want to scoop out the seeds and remove the skin.  
ROSE: Like this?  
JANE: Um, no. Like this. Take the knife and carve the- Yeah, like that.  
ROSE: Dirk’s using his sword again.  
JANE: Dirk!  
DIRK: You little snitch.  
ROSE: She was going to see anyway, you’re right beside her.  
DIRK: Yeah but her attention was on you. It doesn’t take long to get this shit out with a sword.  
JANE: You’re not going to stop using the sword are you?  
DIRK: It’s an effective method of cutting through pumpkins.  
JANE: Fine, use the sword.  
DIRK: Great.  
JANE: Now, we cut it up into small chunks.  
JANE: …  
JANE: Dirk.  
DIRK: What? You said I could use the sword.  
JANE: Yes but…  
JANE: Well this is ‘small chunks’. The swords a bit much.  
DIRK: But it works.  
JANE: …  
DIRK: Look, they're in small chunks.  
JANE: Okay, sure.  
JANE: Put the chunks in the boiling water.  
ROSE: Um, Jane. My water isn’t boiling.  
JANE: Why not?  
DIRK: Did you turn it on?  
ROSE: Yes, it’s on 2.  
JANE: Rose… It needs to be higher than that.  
DIRK: Wait, here, I can fix it.  
JANE: Dirk, do not put that blowtorch anywhere near the pan!  
DIRK: No, look, it’s fine.  
JANE: Dirk-!  
ROSE: …  
DIRK: …  
JANE: …  
ROSE: Well, that did absolutely nothing. Except maybe melt my pan a little.  
DIRK: It’s fine.  
JANE: Sigh.  
JANE: (Why did I come here?)  
JANE: It’s okay Rose, just put it in and turn up the heat.  
JANE: While that’s boiling, put the chilli, garlic and half the coriander, and the salt and pepper in the blender. Um, I only brought two. Dirk do you have a blender?  
DIRK: Yes.  
JANE: ...Dirk.  
JANE: What is that?  
DIRK: A blender. I made it myself.  
JANE: I see…  
ROSE: It looks like a piece of shit, father dearest.  
DIRK: Yeah, well I made it years ago. You think I blend things often? Piece of shit might not even work anymore.  
JANE: Well…  
JANE: Let’s try it out, I guess…  
JANE: Rose here’s the other blender, plug it in and stick in the ingredients.  
DIRK: I don’t know if she knows how.  
ROSE: Excuse me, I am a competent individual, Dirk. I know how to work a blender.  
DIRK: Okay, what does this button do?  
ROSE: It…  
ROSE: Blends.  
DIRK: Uh-huh, that’s what I thought.  
ROSE: Dirk?  
DIRK: Yes.  
ROSE: Shut up.  
DIRK: No.  
JANE: Please, just put everything in the blender and let’s get on with this.  
JANE: Remember to put the lid on, please!!  
JANE: I do NOT want to have to clean soup mix off the roof...  
ROSE: Look father dear, I can work a blender.  
DIRK: Wow, good job.  
DIRK: You learned a basic skill.  
ROSE: Thank you.  
DIRK: You're welcome.  
JANE: Alright, we need to drain the pumpkin now.  
JANE: Pour it into this, here, and let the water drain down the sink.  
JANE: Perfect! See, you both are doing fine.  
JANE: Now we add this to the mixture in the blender, see. And blend again.  
ROSE: Did you pick an easier recipe so we wouldn’t screw it up?  
DIRK: Ha, jokes on you, we still fucked it up.  
ROSE: Speak for yourself. I haven’t done anything wrong.  
DIRK: Yet.  
JANE: Okay! Pour that into a saucepan. And then we add the coconut milk.  
JANE: Set that to simmer.  
ROSE: And that means?  
JANE: Oh. It’s just under boiling, there should be little bubbles in the liquid.  
DIRK: Is it supposed to be this thick?  
JANE: Um... No... Add some water. Not too much.  
ROSE: How is this?  
JANE: Looks good!  
ROSE: See that Dirk? I am good at cooking.  
JANE: Well...  
DIRK: Sure you are Rose.  
ROSE: Silence.  
JANE: Well it should be more or less finished soon.  
JANE: All we have to do now is-  
DIRK: !!!  
JANE: Oh my god, Dirk!!!  
DIRK: Uhhh. This is fine. Uhhh...  
JANE: How did you set it on fire?!?  
DIRK: Uhhh...  
ROSE: Don’t you have a fire extinguisher somewhere?!  
DIRK: Yeah, uhh. Let me just go get it…  
JANE: Why wouldn’t you keep it in your kitchen?!  
DIRK: Because I don’t use my kitchen! Just hang on.  
ROSE: ...  
JANE: ...  
DIRK: Yikes.  
ROSE: Well this went well.  
JANE: Rose! How is your soup?  
ROSE: Fine, I think.  
JANE: Great! Let’s put it in a container so you can take it home!  
DIRK: Sorry Jane, guess there’s some people you can’t teach to cook.  
JANE: It’s fine! You were doing fine until this last minute!  
DIRK: Jane-  
JANE: Well my soup is ready, I’ll just put it in this container and get going!  
DIRK: Okay-  
JANE: Bye bye, now!  
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: Wow. You actually set fire to your food. And to soup, somehow.  
ROSE: I was not even sure that was possible.  
DIRK: Man, shut up, Rose.  
ROSE: Is that any way to talk to your loving daughter?  
DIRK: I will feed you my soup.  
ROSE: Oh no.  
DIRK: Yeah.  
ROSE: Well that feels like my cue to leave.  
ROSE: I can officially say that I am not the worst chef in the Strilonde family.  
DIRK: Now that’s just cruel.  
ROSE: Maybe so. However, it is the truth.  
DIRK: Okay sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.  
ROSE: You’re the one who set fire to their food.  
DIRK: Okay, bye.  
ROSE: Yes, goodbye father dear. It is exciting to find out that I am in fact better than you at something.  
DIRK: Okay, okay, rub it in. Why don’t you go text the group chat about it.  
ROSE: You know, I think I will.  
ROSE: Goodbye, Dirk.  
DIRK: Bye Rose. Congrats on not fucking up your cooking for once.  
ROSE: Why thank you.  


**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr: [treasonousToaster](https://treasonoustoaster.tumblr.com/)


End file.
